Thursday, September 6, 2012

In Between

I have been home just over a week, since the Wednesday before Labor Day. It's so much better than being in the hospital.

I have not been in a writing mood. No, that's not quite right. I have wanted to write — letters to family; blasts to keep telling the story. But I have serious writer's block.

= = =

All of my siblings, plus my brother's wife, Kate, came to town the day before I came home and stayed as long as their schedules allowed. They brought some pictures from our childhood to help us reminisce, which generated some smiles. We got in a live game of Scrabble with a few of the regulars from our family gatherings in New England, which was also fun, even if I did come in third of four, and Kate won as usual.

Unlike the last sibling infusion in early July, this visit was a good-bye, so there was a lot more crying.

= = =

This is a very strange time, the days after the last day on which I could see many more years forward in this life, no matter how unlikely.

I know people have enjoyed and admired my positive outlook, humor, and willingness to share what's going on, often in great detail. About all I'm willing to share right now is that I'm not feeling much like that person these days.

That, and my gums have recently swollen to the point that I need to take in liquid foods only. We're trying to see if there's something short of extracting teeth that we can do to ease the problem. Extracting teeth doesn't feel right for someone where I am in life — it would mean going back into the hospital, the wounds would probably never heal because of my immune system, it would open up additional avenues for infection. At this point, I'm aiming for the best possible days, not as many days as possible.

= = =

The response to my previous blast, in which I laid out the path as we know it, has been humbling and comforting. Thank you.

27 comments:

  1. I certainly relate to how immune system deficiencies make it hard to deal with oral hygiene issues. It becomes a vicious cycle and extractions can be a disaster. I hope they find another way for you.

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  2. Joe,
    You have made me laugh. You have made me cry. You have made me want to spend time with my "marathon family". Let me say this, I am running for you these days. Every single run I do, I always think of you and push myself harder, because I know if life would allow it you would be out running.
    You have impacted more lives than you will ever know! I pray for you daily.
    Smiles and Laughs,
    Danielle

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  3. Hi Joe,

    I'm thinking of you, and praying peace for you. I'm still clinging to God's promises, and praying for a miracle.

    Much love and respect for you, my friend.

    Broch

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  4. Joe -

    You coached our son, Will, in u8's four years ago. We always admired the way you handled the kids - the perfect blend of (abundant) patience, understanding and discipline. You made a big impression on Will, who loves soccer to this day thanks to your approach in his first year of LISC. Likewise, you made a huge impression on us by teaching us to keep youth sports in perspective. For the most part, we've avoided becoming crazy, overbearing soccer parents (you are not to blame for our occasional failures). I know quite a few other parents in this age group who feel the same way about you. Thank you for everything you've done for the many children you've coached over the years.

    Wishing you peace and comfort.

    Chris and Marianne Peacock

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  5. Hi Joe-
    Our Reach The Beach relay team, Oceans 12 (in which Blaise is a valued member and founder), will run in honor next week. You continue to be an inspiration to all of us in Lexington.

    Wishing you and Jan peace,

    Warren Kerper

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  6. There's no way around it: it sucks.

    I would point out, however, that beer is a liquid, and there are some mighty hearty options out there.

    JNR

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  7. Joe -

    I've been thinking of you a lot and have told many of my friends and colleagues here of your strength, good-nature and passion for things like running and maple syrup. You have much to be proud of and we owe you our gratitude. There is a great deal that I have learned from you which I try to emulate. Please know that you will forever be with me.

    May peace be with you and your family.

    John Farquhar

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  8. Joe, Marshall and I are thinking of you, Jan, your boys, your family, and all of the people who love and will miss you (and I know there are a lot). We wish things were different. We pray for peace and comfort. Love, Heather and Marshall Ulrich

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  9. You and Jan are in our thoughts every day. We were just talking about the maple trees the yard and your syrup skills. It is always a highlight to sample some at the half marathon training runs in the spring. Thank you for all that you do for runners and youth in our community. Hoping you are still able to enjoy the peace of the mornings.

    Ellen and Byroni

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  10. Dear Joe and Jan,

    I followed your blog regularly at the start and then will admit that I slacked off. Today I clicked on the link and am utterly surprised and saddened at the news. There are no words. I know you have run a long and important journey in the last couple of years. God's abundant peace to you as you savor these last days together. What a gift both of you are to each other and all of us. Praying that you will have the peace that passes no understanding.

    Love,
    Chris Drews

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  11. I'm so so sorry to read your last few posts. You've been in my thoughts frequently and I've been lurking here on your blog, and wishing you the best. I think frequently of our two years of T & F together, and will always think of you as the strong, fast, funny sophomore running with Bobby C, Gavin, me and Sergio. Among the many things I wish, I wish peace for you and your family.
    Fondness and love,
    Jonas

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  12. Joe, you are an incredible individual. Wishing you much peace and comfort. JTS

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  13. Joe,
    I read your blog in the last three days, often with a smile on my face and a lump in my throat. And tears. We always know you are a cool soccer dad, a great coach, a fast runner, and the guy behind Jan. We never know you are such a warrior. We would follow you into battles, we would! As the Hobbits bid a tearful good-bye to Frodo, they knew he was going to the place where there is no more fights, and no more pain. Let us bid you a peaceful and beautiful journey as you sail away. And please bring with you our utmost admiration and gratitude. You are in our hearts.
    Much Love from the Belmonts to the Seeleys

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  14. Dear Joe,

    I have learned so much from following your blog and reading the replies from your remarkable circle of family, friends, neighbors, colleagues and fellow runners. I cannot put those lessons into words, but hope that you will take some comfort, in this "time in between," in knowing that your influence and presence will live on, and on and on, long beyond your physical presence among those of us who have perhaps a few more days or years. I hope you will be able to tell yourself that you have done enough, written enough, labored enough and run enough -- to allow yourself to feel free to just be and let all of the love, divine and human, that surrounds you carry you forward on your journey, towards peace.
    Dear Jan, Paul and Jake, In this terrible "time of in-between" for all of you, I hope that you too will feel how much you are surrounded and held in love, and how many of us are here with you, in various ways, and will be here still, through whatever comes next for each and all of you.
    With great fondness and respect for all of you, Janet

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  15. If I should go tomorrow
    It would never be goodbye,
    For I have left my heart with you,
    So don't you ever cry.
    The love that's deep within me,
    Shall reach you from the stars,
    You'll feel it from the heavens,
    And it will heal the scars.

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  16. Dear joe & jan,
    Each of you in turn contributed so much to my life as I prepared for and completed the first Illini marathon. I was always the slowest and last runner in the 1/2 marathon training group; each of you made me and my efforts seem worthwhile. Thanks so much for running and chatting with me, the time we spent was so valuable to me as a first time, older(50+) runner. I am thrilled to say that I completed the 2009 and 2011 half-marathons, accomplishments that will stay with me for a lifetime.
    If it means anything Joe, I'm there in spirit running alongside you and Jan, pacing you in the race you now run. Godspeed! I am with you as you were there for me. Peace, love and hugs to you, Kathy Benedict

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  17. Joe,

    May GRACE - God's Redeeming Affirming Compassionate Embrace be very real to you right now. Your heartfelt, honest blog has inspired me and allowed me to see the content of your heart. I pray for you and Jan daily and will continue to do so.

    With much respect and admiration,

    Chris Gillespie

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  18. Even though we've never met, my heart aches for you and your family. I pray for your peace, comfort and know that you are surrounded by the love from your family. Godspeed Joe.

    Shelly

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  19. Joe and Jan, we have all prayed for a different ending to your amazing story that you have shared. All of us would love to live long, full lives. If given the choice, I would rather live a full life than just a long one; and your life has been incredibly full. As is evidenced through the many comments, you have touched so many lives and had an impact on many more through your blog. We think about you, cry for you, and pray for you as you go through these final, difficult days.
    Lynn and Scott Anderson

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  20. Thank you, Joe. Thanks for allowing us to be with you. Thanks for helping us understand your journey.

    Wishing you, Jan, Jake, and Paul peace and comfort.

    With love,
    Sue Ingels, Dennis Cluver, Jamie Mauck

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  21. Joe,
    Like many here, I've been following your blog over the past couple of years. I've laughed, cried, learned, been grossed out, often times all of these have occurred at once. Thanks for taking all of us on this journey with you. We're all richer for having known you. Peace and comfort, Melony Barrett

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  22. Joe,

    It's hard coming up with something to say. Its really sad that you are so sick, yet somehow it seems okay because you've had a wonderful life and you have enriched so many people. I know I am a much better person for having known you, in ways you don't know. I've strived to be a better person in my life with you as an important role model, and it sounds like several others have as well.

    Best wishes to you and your family.

    Joe Muskin

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  23. thinking of you all the time Joe, and your family. Peace to you.

    Susan Robinson

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  24. Joe, we are thinking of you and your family.
    Love,
    Leigh, Tom, and Shea

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  25. Joe, you and Jan and the kids are in my thoughts daily. Prayers for peace for all of you.

    Love,
    Aleta

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  26. Uncle Joe,
    I can relate to the writers block.. I've been checking almost daily for a new post, but reread this one each time, saying to myself "what should I say?". Finally I've decided to just let you know that we think about you all the time and that you have been such an incredible fighter through all of this. I talk about your story often at work, and have tried to educate my fellow nurses in regards to some of the things I've learned through reading your posts. I can't speak for all of them, but I can honestly tell you that you have changed the way I deal with many situations at work (transport, pain meds, general customer service). I pray every day that you guys find comfort in eachother. Lots of love.
    Ang and rob

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